More Like a Lame to Kill For…Uh Huh, Huh, Huh.
So Sin City: A Dame To Kill For bombed over the weekend. I’m not sure if the majority of people expected this to happen or not but I certainly didn’t. The first one is still pretty well liked by everyone but me it would seem, and the success of other craptastic green screeners such as 300 (also based on a “comic” by Frank Miller) led me to believe that the second heaping pile of Sin would be just as well received. The movie going public however, decided to send it the way of that other Frank Miller cinematic classic The Spirit. So maybe the public has better taste in entertainment than I suspected.
In the category of “news that destroys the point I just made,” there is apparently some movement to bring Full House back to television. That’s right, a Full House continuation or reboot-reimagining. As of now it’s unclear what this would consist of but I’m going to assume that the launch of Girl Meets World, a spin-off of 1990’s hit Boy Meets World, has a lot of coke-addled producers in Hollywood searching for other sitcom corpses to defile. Luckily/unluckily for the world at large, they are apparently setting their sights at the bottom of the barrel from the start.
Let me get something on record here; I loathe Full House. It was a show that even as a kid I felt embarrassed for everyone involved. It, along with almost all of the TGIF shows (I have a soft spot for Step By Step) seemed to be made under the assumption that the entire audience consisted of absolute morons. If TGIF had still been running ten years ago the line-up would have consisted of nothing but shows written by Larry the Cable Guy, because he is the only one who could have carried on the tradition of idiocy that Full House and Family Matters managed to achieve so effortlessly.
The only true legacy that Full House has, other than stunning mediocrity, is the introduction of the even more mediocre Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. The Olsen twins, barely toddlers when the show began in 1987, would go on to make an empire of questionable quality by hocking clothing and videos that could be sold to impressionable young girls. An argument could be made that at least now their more talented sister Elizabeth is an actress because of them, but I like to think she would have made it regardless.
The irony of a possible continuation/reunion scenario is that the Olsen twins probably wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole. I’m not sure if the rest of the cast necessarily needs the reunion from a financial stand-point, but the fact that the Olsen’s most assuredly do not means that the chances of either of them participating is slim. Which of course leads to my pitch.
Just because Sin City: A Dame To Kill For didn’t do well at the box office, doesn’t mean that Hollywood is tired of gritty. As a matter of fact, the gritty reboot has been one of the industry’s favorite tropes of the 21st century, so my idea is to do a continuation of Full House with this in mind. This way the Olsen twins can easily be written out of the story AND the show could pick up an entirely new audience. So without further ado.
Full House: The Grittiest Reboot
The last ten years haven’t been too kind to Danny Tanner.
He lost his job as a morning show personality after a racist joke made by guest Woody the Woodchuck, his new wife left him for a woman, and now his youngest daughter Michelle has been murdered at her place of employment. Luckily the staff at Tig Ol’ Bitties gentleman’s club caught a quick glimpse of the murderer. He was dressed as a clown.
Joey Gladstone has always been a screw-up.
Even in the world of prop comics he rates lower than a roach. Years of alcohol abuse and public indecency arrests have finally caught up with him. He’s facing fifteen years of hard time unless he can give the D.A. something soon. Perhaps capturing a psychotic clown is just what the doctor ordered.
Jesse Katsopolis used to be something.
He toured the world with The Beach Boys, had a loving wife and twin boys, and some of the best hair the world has ever known. Now he’s got cheap plugs, high alimony payments, and hasn’t seen his kids in years. On the wrong side of 40, he’s looking for a cause…and he might have just found it in his dead niece.
Three lost souls will find their way to redemption, but they’ll have to go through hell to get there.
Along the way they’ll find help in many different places; from Danny’s other two daughters Stephanie (a firearms instructor living in Oakland), and D.J. (a snake handling preacher from Kansas), to Joey’s maniacally psychotic new puppet Leeroy the Lemming. From Jessie’s twin boys, now known as Henrietta and Sapphire, and even from Kimmy Gibbler, Junior Senator from Arkansas.
The deck might be stacked against them…but they’re holding a Full House!
The Times, They Aren’t a Changin’
As ridiculous as my Full House/Sin City idea is, in this current climate of gritty rehashes and retreads, it’s not that far out of line. There will always be a place for sequels and redo’s but I want some original content from time to time too. My column from last week got me thinking about how much of what comes out now is just lukewarm sequels and remakes.
For every Godzilla and Guardians of the Galaxy, there are 10 Amazing Spiderman 2’s. Hollywood has always been about making fast guaranteed money, but as Sin City: A Dame to Kill For proved last weekend, guaranteed money isn’t as easy as it used to be, and maybe it never has been. It may be time for a reevaluation of priorities in the entertainment industry, but just as Sin City: A Dame to Kill For tanks, another “franchise” rises from the ashes…the ashes of a Full House.
Until next time…